By Cator Sparks

Disabled

How often do you make a small mistake, say screwing up an online reservation, or dropping a wine glass when doing the dishes, and the self-criticism just explodes?

‘You are so stupid’. ‘How could you do this again?’. ‘My partner must think I am a f*&ing idiot’. Hello saboteur! 

This happened to me a few weeks ago when booking an appointment online. I screwed it up twice and the person had to email me and remind me how to do it.  I felt stupid, just like in school, I was the dumb one in the bunch. 

When I was very young, my mom started taking me to see therapists concerning my slow learning. I remember doing building blocks in an orange room with a big mirror on one wall. I knew there was someone watching me through the glass and it made me nervous and insecure. Around second grade I was diagnosed with a ‘Learning Disability’. 

That’s all I knew. I think that is all my parents knew. It was shortened to ‘LD’ on papers I would fill out. So at seven years old, I was ‘disabled’. That’s all I heard. Stack that on top of being effeminate and bullied, life sucked. Mom and Dad didn’t know. I put on the happy face around them and family members. I also had about eight pets to care for and they brought me tremendous joy. They needed me. They didn’t care what was ‘wrong’ with me. 

Visionary Spirit

When I unloaded all of this on my coach, Leonid, he said this, “I am mad at those people for labeling you with that term ‘Learning Disability’. Why couldn’t they say he is a ‘Visionary Spirit’?”  Those words pierced my heart and the floodgate of tears came pouring out. I cried for days just thinking about the ‘what if’ and for the fact that I felt so understood by Leonid. 

As I have learned, all of this is thanks to that rotten thing called The Ego – The part of me looking for a self identity as a youth was wounded. Oh shit, I’m not like everybody else, something is wrong with me. I need to work really hard and this is where I developed a strategy on how to survive. I need to work extra hard not to fail and I exceeded in that through my personality, style, writing, social life. I have lived a life I never dreamed existed. But the ego is always there, and she got really fat and meaty and is always looking for food.  It feeds off of those perceptions that I am still not ‘enough’. It’s suspicious at best and vicious at worse. You can numb the pain of feeling inadequate and boy did I! Years of drinking till I blacked out or dipping into a bag of blow to feel funnier, more lovable, more validated. Until it all wore off. As Leonid reminded me, the ego will find anything to remind you of your inadequacy, which is a total lie. We call it a Core Lie- the core lie is that you are less than. 

What I have learned is that I have spent so much time proving something that was already there. I am amazing just the way I am. Nothing needed to change. I simply had to relax and evolve and flourish. We spend too much effort proving something that doesn’t actually require any proof. As Oprah would say, ‘TWEET THAT’. 

Soul Purpose

Through major life changes in the past few years (losing a job, divorce) I had a lot of soul searching to do. Through reading and research for answers, I learned about the Soul Purpose, which is ‘why you’re here on this Earth at this time. It is an aspect of your life that drives you and moves you forward. When you know your soul’s purpose, you’re content with your life.’ Soul Purpose is more about the ‘being’ in this world. Life Purpose is about the ‘doing’ if that helps!

After many months of soul searching, I realized I was put on this Earth to serve others. I just turned 44, so this took me a long time to learn! Not that I regret anything else I have done. It was all part of my amazing journey, but this makes me feel whole. 

How do you find your Soul Purpose you may ask? Drum roll….. mediation! Next time you take some time for yourself, just ask, ‘What is my Soul Purpose?’, and see what flows. No eye-rolling please! This can be fun. It isn’t necessarily going to be a genie that pops out the first try. Journal about it, think about things that make you happy, what the people you respect do that resonates with you.

Twice Exceptional

The education/psychology world has blossomed since my diagnosis in the early 80s. Friends of mine who have children who are very bright but learn differently are often referred to as “twice exceptional”. They learn to talk about how they learn best, build strategies, and then advocate for themselves. How empowering! 

Self-love is vital for those of us who don’t feel validated by society (guess what, that’s pretty much all of us!). I am so thankful to see more and more of this bubbling up through the explosion of the wellness world online and in daily life. Here are a few tips to keep handy when you knock that glass over, have a fender bender, or realize you have TP stuck to your shoe at that cocktail party (been there!):

Tips on Self Love 

• Forgiveness: Calling ourselves ‘stupid’ and ‘dumb’ does nothing but make us feel worse. When you feel those words coming up, stop, and re-wire to remind yourself that you are enough. Practice forgiveness and, honey, LET IT GO. 
• Surrender Control: For me, when I screw up an appointment or get something wrong, I feel out of control. Surrender that too! I have actually started to take risks like raising my hand 3-4 times in each coaching class. If I get it wrong, so what! I tried. 
• Gratitude: This is one practice I encourage all of my clients to do. We can get bogged down in the ‘what I didn’t do today’ scenario. Write five things you are thankful for every evening. It could be crossing everything off your list or just staring at your cat for an hour, which brought you joy. Congrats, you did it! 
• Laugh/Smile: If your day is sucking, there is ALWAYS the Scottie Pinwheel. Call a friend, pick a flower, turn on some Diana Ross. 
• Talk it Out: I would have never released this trauma without talking it out with Leonid. I am here for you! Let’s head to baggage claim and rip those old trunks open and Marie Kondo your past. If it’s not bringing you joy, we letting it go. 

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About the Author:

Cator Sparks is a trained life coach through Coaches Training Institute (CTI) and feeling grateful for the opportunity to work with others to find their place at the table and fully enjoy life’s banquet.

He can be reached at https://www.catorsparkscoaching.com/