A Dialogue: Sorry No Fems, Blacks, Asians or……Old Guys.

By William Smith

Back in the 80’s, it took me some time to feel good about being gay . I wanted to meet other gay guys so bad..I didn’t know anybody that was gay.

I was with my best friend, who happens to be straight,  at a high end night club called Park Avenue ( nice name right?). I was 21 years of age . The club was 45 miles from home. He had a girlfriend and the girlfriend had a friend for me to tag along with. We danced and had a good time. I overheard from the wait staff that on Sundays the club turns into a Gay Night. I thought wow..really..finally I can actually go somewhere and dance and chat with other gay guys.

While Sunday came, I was dressed till the hilt. I was ready for action. I was scared because this would be the first time to meet other gay men. I was determined to drive 45 miles in my beater car. I get to the door and get my wallet out to pay the cover…The guy at the door says , ” sorry man, tonight is for all gay guys only”.  I am like too embarrassed to say ” hey, I am gay.. let me in!’ Thoughts  were racing in my head that” maybe I wasn’t good looking enough. Skinny enough. Muscular enough…and maybe I wasn’t  gay enough?”..so instead of arguing ,I left.

On my long way home, there were just so many things that were going through my mind. Why did God make me like this?. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere!  I wanted to go out and just meet guys and make friends and kind of find my place in the world. The world that I thought of or hoped for just wasn’t the one for me, it wasn’t accepting of me.

I did not go to a gay club for nearly  6 years. I just focused on college and my career.  It really made a lasting impression.

I have now of course met many gay men and had many experiences. I have felt rejection and alike which is all part of dating and the world. Acceptance has never been 100%. But exclusion still seems to to be the norm..even now as we progress as a culture.

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30 years later, after a long term relationship ended, I briefly dated an East Indian guy. He wanted to go to a club and I was approached by 2 guys ( strangers) and questioned why would I want to date an east Indian guy….I challenge both of them for their attitude.” I said why not? In my opinion, he is hot as hell.  We are a minority and we all had experienced some sort of  prejudice in our very life. Why would you even  go down that route? ”

It made me think more about racism and exclusion in the gay community. I have talked to some of my  black friends as well as read articles about the subject.

According to a recent survey by gay men’s charity GMFA, 80 percent of black gay men say they have experienced racism in the gay community, I am white and I will never fully understand how it is to be Black but I do know how it is to feel rejected or excluded by my community at times.

Think about it, can you imagine that if you  came out at 16 as a minority, and you have to deal with racism as  well as possibly being rejected by your parents? Now your 40 plus and now it is not only racism but ageism as well. It is a lot to take in : gay discrimination, race discrimination and age discrimination.

In short, we want to be seen as a group of people that want to have a unified message of equality but discriminate among  our culture whether someone is past 40 or feminine or too masculine or someone is black or someone is white. Someone did not choose to be Black , Asian or Latino or East Indian in the same way that I did not choose to be gay and over 40.
We are never going to get full equal gay rights if we continue to be hypocrites within the gay community If we continue to create these barriers within our own community, we are no better than the the kids that taunted us when we were kids for being ” different”.

It is  extremely important that we as a culture need to be more inclusive than exclusive. We have to change our own minds and hearts  within our own community. As one gay man wrote we need to ” open our own minds before we can expect other people to open their minds to us.” It is something that will not change overnight, but let the dialogue begin.

Keep Aging Forward!