Self-Esteem: The Inner Child (Part 3 of 5)

Self-Esteem: The Inner Child (Part 3 of 5) by Steven Reeder, ACC

Self-esteem is not simply the ability to defend one’s self against others. It’s more than having the guts to get in someone’s face and say, “You can’t do that to me.” Self-esteem is not only believing that you are worthy of success and happiness. Healthy self-esteem also means being responsible for your own success and happiness and not leaving it up to anyone or anything outside of you to provide it to you.

There are four internal voices that affect self-esteem.   Often, these voices may have something important to tell us if we know how to interpret what they’re saying. Too often, we take literally what these voices say, and further our disempowerment. Rather than blame the voices for our failings, we can employ these voices as our guides if we can respond to their messages rather than react out of habit.

. . .

Since psychotherapy became mainstream in the 1960’s, we’ve heard much about “the inner child.” The archetypal pattern of The Child is another of the voices in your head. As you can imagine, the Child voice is fairly complex, as there are many characteristics of a child. The voice of the Child is integral to self-esteem because it shows us how to take the journey from dependence to responsibility.

Everyone can relate to the experience of being a child because we’ve all been one. Some of the characteristics inherent in the Inner Child are a sense of wonder, lightheartedness, curiosity, innocence, and playfulness. The Inner Child is the part of us that first learns about safety, loyalty, family and nurturing. Depending on how your family of origin provided these traits forms how you view these traits as an adult.

A child also has a desire to be taken care of. A child may also tend to follow the lead of a more powerful person, or asks for permission or approval to do what he wants. When a child doesn’t get what he wants (attention, toys, his own way, etc.), there can be pouting, screaming or tantrums. How do any these traits show up in your life?

We see the Inner Child in ourselves and people around us when we experience any of the paradigms previously mentioned. The voice of the exuberant Child might say, “I’m having fun! Let’s play! I want to try something new. Everything will be great!” The voice of the frightened Child might say in our heads, “I cannot take care of myself. Who will take care of me? I’ve been abandoned. I’m being punished. Is it o.k. with you if I do what I want?”

How your Child voice speaks to you can reveal specific patterns. One of the patterns is the Wounded Child, who holds on to memories of abuse, neglect, and abandonment.  Our wounds can give us great insight into how to seek healing, if healing is what we want. Wounds can also be used as the excuses we need to remain wounded if being wounded or vulnerable is getting our needs met by having someone else take care of us, be it physically or financially.

The Orphan Child is one who has no family. This might be literal, or it might be symbolic in the sense that the Orphan never felt connected to the family or tribal spirit, or seeking a safe, familial tribe upon coming out. The orphan also appears in our favorite mythic stories, notably The Wizard of Oz, Cinderella, Bambi, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Oliver Twist, Batman, Superman and many more. It’s no wonder these stories inspire us. This is a big deal in the gay community, where some have been outcast, or feel a strong need to distance themselves from their blood families.

Change Your Life thru Coaching

What all these orphans have in common is that their direction points toward how to go it alone with inner strength, walking the path from dependence to personal success. The Orphan Child who never recovers from family rejection can sometimes overdo efforts to fit in to a surrogate family or group, settling for abusive or superficial relationships rather than be abandoned.

The Eternal Child is one who keeps a sense of childhood enthusiasm about themselves. This can be reflected in someone who keeps a sense of playfulness regardless of age, always ready to have fun, sometimes even keeping alive a passion for childhood relics (toy collections or memorabilia).  The shadow side of this can be a refusal to grow up and accept challenges of life. Someone who unconsciously follows this voice will do everything in his or her power to prolong childhood youth for as long as possible. This voice can overlook the opportunity to mature through wisdom, choosing instead to view aging as a disease to conquer rather than part of the cycle of life. Think Peter Pan, or Bette Davis as Baby Jane Hudson.

The Magical Child embodies wisdom and courage to see the potential for beauty in all things. Think of when Anne Frank said in her diary, “It’s really a wonder that I haven’t dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.” The shadow side of this would be one who retreats into either deep cynicism, or perhaps lives only in a fantasy world, but takes no true action.

Coming full circle, the Inner Child voice can be one that calls on you to relax and have fun. Be aware if you are obsessed with responsibility to the point of excluding fun and new possibilities.

Your self-esteem can cripple if you think you cannot take care of yourself. However you hear the voice of your Inner Child depends on your perception of your childhood. The task at hand is not to figure out or fix our past. Rather it is to observe how our past has contributed to our journey, and make new choices that reflect who we really are today.

The mature voice of the Inner Child can contribute a great deal to our adult life as we grow. To speak to your Child voice, ask yourself: When do I abdicate responsibility? When am I over-dependent on others to take care of me? Whose approval do you seek before making life choices? Who do I think will bail me out if I make a mistake? How do I handle the aging process? How willing am I to make the choices I need to keep my life moving forward? How willing am I to start anew? How can I tap into a sense of wonder and creativity?

Reflect on these questions, and journal any answers, thoughts and solutions you might have. There’s no right answer; they’re only tools to help you recognize yourself, so you can make choices that serve your growth.

Steven Reeder, ACC, CPC, ELI-MP

Two things in life strike him to the core:  rock and roll, and personal growth and development. Electric guitars move his outer body, while the pursuit of wisdom and discernment moves his inner body.He synthesizes aspects of theology, science, training and development to present practical, tangible material that is immediately applicable to life for instant impact. Steven combines his knowledge of the metaphysical and the practical to create a unique approach to helping you create your best life.  Steven is a Certified Professional Coach and Energy Leadership Master Practitioner, owner of U Line Coaching, and is a featured contributor at GayLifeAfter40.com. For more information about The U Line, one-on-one or group coaching opportunities, please email to http://stevenreeder.com/