Gay Oppression Affected My Life

Gay Oppression Affected My Life

By Max Roberts

I feel confident about my present situation and have grown after 40 as a gay man. However, I wasn’t always like this. I found at times in my life, ashamed and dis-empowered for being gay. As an adult. it only took a few setbacks, to make me feel like I was 15 years old again…lonely, confused, and scared. I wondered what caused this when I was clearly a grown man. Upon reflection, it is the fact for the first part of my life, I carried a shame and oppression mentality unconsciously. This internalized oppression affected me psychologically and socially –making me feel inferior and unworthy as a human being and I needed to resolve it by delving into my past and letting it go.

Childhood

I’m 48 now, but I always knew that I was Gay really since the third grade. I was ok with it. It was no big deal. I tried to assimilate with others and tried hard to be liked… Maybe too hard. I practically forced myself upon others despite hating sports. One thing I did learn as a child was to not tell anyone that I was gay. I saw what happened to kids that even ‘acted gay”. They were bullied unmerciful, spit on and beaten up. I remember seeing a gay student have his jacket set on fire while he was wearing it. I didn’t speak out against the violence. I didn’t fight for his rights. I was just a kid but maybe I could have done something. I just stood there with my mouth open in dis-belief of what had happened in front of my eyes.

I learned early to be a loner. I censured my true self and my being.

Luckily, I had a friend (straight friend) and we are still till this day friends. I pretty much did things that wouldn’t require a lot of attention so I wouldn’t get noticed. I joined track and field and became a sprinter. I really could only count on myself instead of doing something as a team like football or baseball. Actually, I have heard that is very common for gay athletes to do solo sports like running, swimming, etc.

College Years

In college, the spread of Aids kept me at bay from meeting men. Being called the “gay plague” was being greeted by my church as the “wrath of god”. I felt guilty to have these feelings. I didn’t speak against my oppression to my church or to my family. How could I argue against God? So I didn’t date while in college, I kept quietly to myself with my books.

Adult Years

I graduated from college and moved to the Big Apple. I started dating men early on. It was thrilling and scary at the same time. The first time I had sex with a man, I finally understood what my best friend (who was straight) was talking to me about. I felt so comfortable taking his clothes off just like when he told me about taking a girl’s clothes off. I finally felt the same. I tried in the past with girls but it didn’t feel normal to me. I knew that I finally did feel normal and it felt right.

 

Over the years, I was involved in two long term relationships…totaling 17 years. However,  I started to start pulling away. It gradually happened and I could not explain it.  At times, I felt guilt or experienced anxiety in my connection with my partners. I felt high anxiety when having sex and would avoid sex.  In fact, I found it easier at times to not know the sex partner so I could depersonalize it.

 

 

My Realization

I began to realize that my setbacks were becoming a problem and realized that I must understand my past so I could have a better present and future. In short, I wanted to write this piece to tell you that few of us have realized how much gay oppression had affected our lives unconsciously . I am not here to play the blame game or want people to be negative or feel sorry for the rest of their lives. One must feel comfortable to be in one’s own shoes. We must begin to rid ourselves of past aggressions and forgive the institutions and people that had victimized us so we can age forward.

So what do we do?

We need to share our stories among each other. We need to bond with each other. We are from the same generations and share some of the same experiences despite the fact we may be in a different geographical location. We need to get out there and socialize with each other and not hide. To be alone is to inhibit our lives causing us to be less than we could be.  We need to raise our own consciousness and transform it so we can assist others.

What you can do is this:  go to your locale GLBT center, attend a GLBT conference and get engaged with others . We all also need to be activists to a certain extent in any way we can , big or small, so we never become oppressed again.  Everyone has something to contribute.

Become Involved-Be an Activist

Gay rights have increased for many of us. Many of our younger GLBT counterparts have enjoyed those new freedoms from decades of  activism. However, recent events around the world show us that we can no longer sit on the sidelines of life because things could shift back again if we are complacent.  For example, a mob in Nigeria dragged and beat men with iron bars because they were perceived as gay and the police actually helped with the beatings. Another example in Uganda, a bill has been proposed to outlaw homosexuality and declare a life sentence for those who are found guilty. In Russia. it is a well-known fact that the government feels it is ok to humiliate and punish GLBT groups. In Eastern Europe, large anti-gay groups  are gaining momentum in harming GLBT people with violence and ant-gay laws.  Finally in the United States, states are proposing and passing bills that would make it legal for citizens and state and locale government employees to discriminate against gay people due to religious freedom.

It is time to get off the sidelines and in the famous drag queen Sylvia Rivera, “not take any more of this shit” and fight and live a s proud GLBT  people. I promise you that you will feel empowered.

What do you think? What have you done or would like to do as part of being an activist? Do you suffer from internalized oppression from your past? Please leave your comments below.

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Did You Know?

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Many of us at our age  are driven by a deep knowing that we were born for a certain reason. Maybe, you feel that your life is not totally fulfilled yet , and you have  decided that you don’t want to waste your time anymore. If not now, when will you actually lead a more fulfilling life or get help with a problem that you may have carried with you for over 20 years? But  your heart and soul must be invested in the process in order to be effective. If you’re not ready to take bold action, please wait until you are before hiring us..

If you’re ready to age forward and begin your own transformation and your heart and soul are saying, “ Lets Do this!” ,  I hope you’ll take the leap with us and contact us at will@gaylifeafter40.com