Discussions of Financial Matters with your Elderly Parents

Discussions of Financial Matters with your Elderly Parents by

William Smith

Financial Considerations Universally are viewed as a private matter, the discussion of financial matters between elderly parents and their children is a source of major stress. Since the topic is not eagerly embraced, it may be put off until an emergency occurs and then it might be too late. Our volatile economy and potential for elder financial exploitation make adult children worry even more. What is it about this necessary subject that makes it so hard to bring up? Some describe this conversation as of the most uncomfortable ever-second only to the dreaded “sex talk”  that we endured from our parents as kids. The difference here is that the roles have been reversed and the stakes may be even higher this time. Yes, I’m talking about the knot-in-your stomach discussion with your elderly parents about their finances. 

Let’s review why you want to have this little chat with one or both of your parents. Like many other brave souls before you, you have probably reached a stage in your parent-child relationship where an event or two got you thinking about the fragility of your parents; not their physical  health this time but their financial wellness. For me, this moment came when my aunt asked me to get her checkbook out of her purse. As I did, the checkbook fell open and I saw a sea of white space. I looked closer and found that there were sporadic entries and none appeared to have dollar amounts logged in. My aunt had already exhibited mild dementia symptoms and living alone after my father’s passing seemed to be getting harder for her. Now this -a new symptom of her decline that required my immediate intervention.  So how do we approach this most prickly off topics?   Very carefully.
My aunt was part of the Greatest Generation where money, earnings and net worth was not discussed. This adds another barrier to a sensitive subject area.

Experts suggest “backing into” the conversation by bringing up an example of something you may have recently done and then asking about a similar situation for your parents. You might say, “Hey Aunt Vera, I just opened a new checking account that has a free check balancing service at the bank each month. How are you doing with your bills and checkbook these days”? You may still encounter a dirty look or two but at least the door has been opened without putting your parent completely in a defensive mode. What Financial Areas Should You Discuss?
Okay, so the alarming conversation is now underway and you need to be ready with your questions. Just asking loved one a generic question such as, “How are you doing?” will get
you the generic answer. “Fine.” Your parents are used to being in charge, taking care of you and keeping problems away from you. These talks generate worries for them about losing control and coming closer to their own end of life.

Despite the downside, here are a few financial  questions that will generate discussion:

How are you managing with your monthly bills?
Do you need any help in managing your bank
accounts and monthly money issues?

Some parents may be fine and just need someone to sit with them to do all the bills together in one sitting. I found that my mom became overwhelmed at the  idea of doing her bills so she procrastinated. She had mild memory loss so she forgot sometimes and next thing we knew she was behind a few months in her credit cards, potentially damaging her credit score (pristine until that point). What assets do you have? Where do you keep all the important papers related to these? Surprisingly, many adult children have no idea of the extent of a parent’s portfolio: properties, stocks, etc. It is imperative to know the type of assets and where the documents are kept. Are they in a lawyer’s office or in the freezer?

Some of the paperwork that you may need to locate on a parent’s behalf include:
Wills
Death certificates
Power of Attorney
Advanced Directive,
Health Care Proxy or Living Will
List of bank accounts, credit cards,
numbers and locations.
Health and medical insurance information
Originals of
Social Security
Medicare
Managed care
dental cards
Life insurance policies
Tax returns
Name of doctor
Lawyer
accountant

It is important to commmunicate and get yourself organized so when an event occurs, you can make the best decisions possible. It gives your parents more independence and power in decisions in a way  because they are helping you with the process. It is a win-win for both parties.

I hope this article helps and guides you to have dialogue with your loved ones. Gay Life After 40.com appreciates the family and the dynamics it brings.