Life 2.0 – Coming Out for the Second Half

Life 2.0 – Coming Out for the Second Half By Judith H.

Maybe you’ve known since you were a kid, or maybe the realization has come to you recently. Maybe you’ve been dutifully living the life you thought was expected of you, or maybe you became enmeshed in a heterosexual lifestyle and then felt stuck. No matter how you got here, you woke up one day not so long ago and discovered that you’re 40, or 50, or … and it’s time to clean out the closet. Coming out is different for everyone.

ScienceDaily.com cites Israeli research[1] that found gay boys and girls to be declaring their sexuality earlier than ever before, possibly due to more supportive family structures. But this trend doesn’t help those of us who are coming out in middle age in figuring out how to make the life changes we need.

If you have decided this is the right time for you to come out, then take a deep breath, fasten your seat belt, and consider the following: 1) Not everyone in your old life will be supportive of this change, but some will; and 2) Not everyone in the gay community will welcome you into your new life with open arms, but some will.

Let’s consider coming out from both sides of the issue.

Your Old Life

Living as you have for the past 40+ years guarantees that you have established a life. And while everyone’s life is different, there is a good chance that yours comes complete with family and friends who think they know you. Unlike coming out at 15 or 20, coming out later in life has allowed your loved ones to create an image of you that they believe to be the whole picture. They will likely fall into one of three camps:

• “Tell me something I didn’t know;”
• “How could you do this?”  and
• “I accept you for who you are.”

You might just be surprised at who shows up in each group.

“Tell me something I didn’t know.” Most likely to be in this group are the family and friends who have had ample opportunities to observe you in relaxed situations. They are the ones who may have picked up on “tells” over the years (e.g., the way you held eye contact with the handsome new neighbor just a second too long.) You may be discreet, but you are not invisible. Understand that the people who care about you have been watching, and they notice everything. Some of them are bound to have had private musings about you, even if they respected you enough to refrain from breeching your privacy by asking. So don’t be surprised when everyone isn’t surprised.

“How could you do this?” This group will be made up of those who have the most to lose by your life change, and those who really don’t, but who may react badly nonetheless.

Your opposite-sex spouse, for example, may have a legitimate gripe, having reasonably expected that you would remain the person you have tried or pretended to be. Only you can decide how far you are willing to go to help him or her adjust to this new reality.

Others, though, may have a vested interest in keeping you the same (read: in the closet) for reasons of their own. It’s important to recognize when people are truly hurt versus when they are simply making your metamorphosis all about them. It isn’t about them. And you should put as much effort into making things okay for them as the relationship warrants for you. But know that no matter how hard you try, it’s unlikely you will save every one of these relationships. When it’s clear that any of these folks have become more attached to their hurt feelings than they are to you, it’s time to cut them loose. Save your energy to nurture your own well-being.

“I accept you for who you are.” You’ll recognize the members of this group by their astonishment. For whatever reason, they had no idea, but it’s okay with them anyway. They truly want you to be happy. They even admire you for your bravery. You might have a gut feel for who your biggest supporters will be. But surprisingly, you may find that some in this group are not those you were closest to before you came out. With not quite as much invested in the old you, it may be easier for a newer friend to be supportive than, say, your best bud since high school. (That guy is still scratching his head and wondering if you ever looked at him “that way.” Worse, he is wondering if he was ever attracted to you!) But if your best friend can’t step up, someone else will. You just have to let them.

Remember that you’ve had plenty of time to come to terms with coming out; your family and friends haven’t. If someone you care about reacts badly and that creates distance between you, you can choose to allow them to return to your life with their dignity in tact. This will require putting your own hurt feelings aside to let them re-evaluate their initial position as they work through their feelings.

Your New Life

You’ve thought a lot about this big step you are taking, and being human, you have imagined what it will be like. You meet someone at a party and hit it off. The next day he calls you and you make plans to have dinner. One thing leads to another and before you know it, you find yourself in a bona fide relationship – openly. You bring him home to meet your family, invite him to a barbecue with your old friends, maybe he joins your bowling league, and everyone knows you are a couple.

Or maybe you aren’t looking for a monogamous happily-ever-after story. Maybe you see your future as a series of new friends, parties, dates, and, well, sex.

No matter what you envision, the reality is likely to be somewhat different. There’s a whole gay community out there made up of people who have come out and people who haven’t. Those who haven’t come out in their own lives may view you as a threat, worried that you could give them away. Those who are out may view you with suspicion, especially if you have recently left a heterosexual marriage, concerned that you are merely curious and therefore a potential heartbreaker.

When I came out, the woman I was dating told me quite frankly that she expected me to stop seeing her once I was more comfortable with my new lifestyle. “It always happens that way,” she told me. “As a general rule, people don’t stay with the first person they are with after they leave a marriage.”

It’s Your Life

You’re taking a big step. Trust that change is going to happen, and you will be the better for it. Your world won’t stand on its head forever. Things will settle eventually, and the relationships in your life will re-order themselves. And while there are some things that are common to many coming out experiences, your experience will be as unique as your life.

Gay Life After 40.com  gives you a very big hug and will be there with you in the process. There are many readers that have gone through the same steps and  some that have just started to find their unique true self after 40.

And by the way, I’m happy to say my first “post-out” date and I recently celebrated our 20^th anniversary, so it turns out the general rules don’t always apply.