When people talk about when they came out, they’re usually referring to when they FIRST came out. That’s because usually, that first time of telling someone something that has until that point been a secret, is a pretty freaking huge deal. It’s such a huge deal, that we tend to remember the moment when we first came out, for the rest of our lives.

But coming out isn’t a one-time thing.

I learnt this for myself recently. I’ve been out since I was 18 in pretty much all aspects of my life, both personal, as well as professional. I’ve been very fortunate in never having experienced any direct discrimination or adverse reactions to my sexuality. I’m in a long-term relationship with an amazing partner, we have a home and run a business together. At this point in my early 30s, I thought I was pretty set and comfortable with my sexuality.

Until I accidentally ‘in-ed’ myself.

I was at a networking event talking with a small group of people when someone asked me if I was married. I replied no, but that I have a partner. Before I knew it, I was hit with a follow up question ‘so what does she do for work?’. Normally, I would have replied, ‘well, actually HE does…’ and that would be that. But for some strange (and still unknown to me) reason, I didn’t do that. In fact, I started to panic. My heart actually started racing and I felt myself getting flushed in the face. I replied a quick one-word answer and excused myself.

“What had just happened? Why did I just freak out like that?”

I quickly walked away and proceeded to lock myself in the men’s room. What had just happened? Why did I just have a reaction that I might have had when I was 16? Why did I just freak out like that? I’m still figuring out the answers to these questions.

A part of it has to do with complacency I think. I’ve become so used to being around people who know I’m gay, that I can’t actually remember the last time I had to actually tell it to someone. I guess I just thought people would somehow automatically know, or at least assume I was gay. But I guess these days, it’s wrong to think that people can spot a gay guy just based on appearance or mannerisms, right? (Damn that metrosexuals fad from a few years ago!)

But I also feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself, and of my reaction in that moment. I genuinely do accept and love the person that I am. I might not be marching in Mardi Gras any time soon, but that’s because I’m not that kind of guy. I don’t use the phrase very often, but I do feel a sense of pride based on who I am, and being gay is definitely a part of that.

The funny thing is, I am almost 100% sure that the people I was with wouldn’t have been bothered in the slightest to know that I’m gay. So this really is a ‘me’ thing. It’s something that I need to figure out and address.

I’ve definitely learnt a lesson in humility, as well as coming to the realisation that coming out is still a big deal. Even if you’ve done it before, it doesn’t mean you might not need to do it again. And it doesn’t matter what anyone else says, but it does take courage and strength to do it. Maybe that’s what caught me off guard in that brief moment. And maybe that’s something that I need to work on, and be more aware of, in the future.

When and how did you first come out? Do you find it hard staying ‘out’?

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