Author Raymond Rigoglioso

Name: Raymond Rigoglioso

Birth Place:

New York City

Where are you living at now?

White Plains, New York

Occupation:

Founder, Gay Men of Wisdom, writer, and life coach

When does your new book, Gay Men and The New Way Forward  come out?

The release date of the book is : March 2, 2015

Words that best describe you?

Sincere, passionate, focused, optimistic, friendly, persistent

Your one of the first people that said to me that Gay Men have gifts? I almost cried because usually all I heard in my life was negativity. Where did that come from?

It began for me when a friend introduced me to Will Fellows’ book, A Passion to Preserve: Gay Men as Keepers of Culture. Will’s book has as its premise that gay men play special roles in the human family. It got me started on a journey to discover what those roles are. I stumbled upon an entire literature on the subject, each book illuminating some element of this mystery. Gay Men of Wisdom became my vehicle to continue and expand this exploration.

Who has been your biggest influence in your life? 

For better or worse, I’d have to say my parents. They played such a formative role in my life, even if I spent much of my early adulthood unlearning much of what they taught me.

When did you become out to friends and family?

When I was 19. I came out to everyone all at once. I started a gay and lesbian youth group with a friend of mine two months later.

I would give anything to meet…

I should say something like the Dalai Lama, right? But really—and this is so gay—I would really like to meet Lady Gaga and Madonna. I love their music. They speak to me as strong women. I admire the belief they have in themselves. That inspires me. I definitely have the gift of being a Friend, Soul Mate, and Co-Revolutionary with straight women.

Your idea of a perfect evening is?

A good dinner with friends talking about things that matter—and having some good laughs.

The last book I read was ….

Gay Warrior: Transforming Betrayal into Wisdom, by F. Jim Fickey and Gary S. Grimm.

My favorite movies/plays are?

I have so few favorites. For this reason, people have threatened to revoke my Gay Card. The first movie that comes to mind is Myra Breckenridge. I haven’t seen it in years, but it has never quite left me, and I always smile when I think of it. Another is Meet the Feebles. A friend of mine has never forgiven me for taking him to it. As for plays, I tend to go for serious dramas (I don’t care for musicals). A recent favorite—if I can call it that—is Disgraced.

Nobody knows that I ……

…am gay.

But really… I think people see that you’ve written a book and they imagine that everything just unfolded at your feet, that life is easy for you. I have so much to be grateful for, of course, and I’ve gotten incredible support, so I don’t mean to imply I’ve done everything myself. But most people don’t know that I struggled for years to find my voice and discover my place in the world. I created project after project in obscurity and faced a lot of rejection before landing on Gay Men of Wisdom. And even with this project, I wondered if anything would come of it.

In much of my early adulthood, I wrestled with depression and anxiety. I know what it’s like to be disempowered. And I know what it’s like to face one’s issues head on, do one’s inner work, and come into one’s power.

What had been your biggest setback or failure in life and how did you overcome it? 

I’d point to a series of setbacks/failures, beginning with my failed attempt at writing a memoir in my early 20s. Thinking back now, it was way too soon to write it, but having to let this dream go was very difficult for me. I tried becoming a feature writer for magazines in my 20s without much luck. Later, when I became a life coach, I created and marketed workshops that no one ever came to. I created coaching programs and consulting models for the nonprofit sector, where I have spent much of my career, only to receive lukewarm response.

I overcame these challenges by acknowledging my disappointment and trying something else–relentlessly. I might not have become a feature writer for magazines, but at age 24, I landed a job as an editor of a journal on patient-centered health care—a pretty good gig. This launched my writing and editing career in the nonprofit sector. Creating those workshops that no one and came to gave me excellent practice on how to structure group experiences. The consulting models I created have informed my current programs. When my coaching programs in the nonprofit sector hit walls, I tried something else—Gay Men of Wisdom. I listened to and followed my inner voice, even when it seemed hopeless to everyone else.

If I could meet my younger self, I would tell him…

Everything you’re experiencing now is preparing you for what’s to come later. You first have to experience powerlessness to come into authentic power. You are much more powerful than you give yourself credit for. You have to learn that.

What are the biggest challenges you personally had as a gay man?

Overcoming the shame of feeling less than. Being hated—it’s not something I do well with. Overcoming sexual shame. I’ve struggled to feel like a man in a world that says that my way of being a man isn’t valued.

What would you like to say to the Gay Life after 40 tribe? 

Being in your 40s rocks. With that said, life is short. Use your time wisely.