Psychiatrist Loren Olson

Name: Loren Olson

Birth Place: Nebraska

Occupation:

Psychiatrist,  public speaker and the author

You were on of our guest speakers last year at the Gay Life After 40 Conference. It was terrific. You were so authentic and so real. Where does that come from? Were you always like that?

Wow, what a sweet thing to say.  I once had a supervisor in my psychiatric residency that said, “You can’t be a good psychiatrist unless you’ve experienced your own personal pain.” For me, my emotions have always been close to the surface, and before I accepted being gay, I found that as a weakness, too feminine.  Now I am more comfortable with it.  I believe there are three things in helping someone heal, whether it’s in my office or coffee with a friend:  genuine warmth, accurate empathy, and unconditional positive regard.  I say humbly, that I think I am good at all three.

What kind of books do you like to write and why?

Finally out was my first book; I am working on another that is more of a memoir.  One of the challenges in writing a memoir is that you’re not only telling your story, but it necessarily tells some of the stories of other people you love.  Someone once said to me, “If they didn’t want to be written about unfavorably, they shouldn’t have been such jerks in the first place!” So, William, don’t be a jerk to me or you might find yourself in my next book.

Who has been your biggest influence in writing?

There have been three.  Julie Silver MD holds an annual medical writing workshop for authors and she believed in me and mentored me. Linda Konner was my agent and who convinced me I wrote well enough to sell a book.  For the second edition of Finally Out, I have worked with Sharon Goldinger, a person who me through the second edition of Finally Out, and made it a much, much better book.

Tell us about your recent work?

Right now I am working on an essay that addresses the other side of the equation, spouses who are left trying to figure out what to do after their spouse comes out to them.  Those of us who came out late often thought about it for years before coming out but for many spouses, it explodes everything they believed about their lives. Coming out isn’t just about the person who comes out but about all of those people whose lives are impacted by it.

Words that best describe you?

Someone once said to me, “I’ve never heard anyone laugh like you do.” One of the benefits of feeling pain deeply is also to be able to feel joy deeply.  I’d like my tombstone to read, “We miss your laughter.”

When did you become out to friends and family?

Coming out is a process more than an event so it really began when I was about 35 and progressed slowly until I was about 40.  I came out first to someone I assumed was gay and he said, “Why me?  I’m not gay!” Then I told another friend with more success.  My wife was next, then my mother and siblings.  My children I assumed would be the hardest, but their response was, “Oh, Dad, we already knew.  Let’s eat.”

Who has been your biggest influence in your life? 

My brother, “Lefty.”  He was older than I so we weren’t particularly close when I was young, but he was what I wanted to be, smart, athletic, respected.  When I was nine and he was 16, he was injured in a car accident and became a quadriplegic, but he never complained about it. He met life as if it were no bigger challenge than being left handed. We became closer as we grew older and especially as I became involved in some of his intimate care-taking. I saw a man with great physical challenges, but I never met a stronger man.

I would give anything to meet…

President Obama, although I’d be so gobsmacked I wouldn’t be able to speak and probably drool on myself.

Your idea of a perfect evening is?

I often say it isn’t what’s on the menu that counts.  What matters is who’s on the guest list.  Any evening is great that I spend with people I love.

The last book I read was ….

I would like to say something in the classics, but honestly, because I’m preparing a talk called, “There’s No Bone in your Boner,” the book was The Ultimate Guide to Male Sexual Health by Dudley Danoff MD

My favorite movies/plays are?

Who wouldn’t love “Love, Simon,” “Call me by your Name,” and “A Single Man,” but the plays that impacted me most personally was “Torch Song Trilogy” and “A Chorus Line” which dealt with the conflict of our sexuality, and I saw them at a time when I really needed to see them to understand that I was normal.

Nobody knows that I ……

My life is pretty much an open book now.  But most people don’t know that I was the best baton twirler in my eighth grade class and that I learned how by a book I bought through the Sears Roebuck catalog.

What’s your favorite place in the entire world?

Wherever I am when I’m with people I love.

What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?

Having sex in a tree.

What odd talent do you have?

I can wiggle my ears.

What had been your biggest setback or failure in life and how did you overcome it? 

I don’t think about “failure” much. I’m a man of faith so I tend to think of it as God’s way of telling me to choose a different course, and each time it’s happened, the new direction has always been better than the one I thought I wanted.

If I could meet my younger self, I would tell him…

Being “good enough” is better than trying to be perfect.

You were in a heterosexual marriage before? Is it possible that one who lived a gay life for most of his adult life change to a straight lifestyle and marry a female?

I am a sexual person, and I want an emotionally intimate and physically intimate relationship in my life. I think I could, but only in the absence of any available men, and please, don’t put me on that desert island.

What are the biggest challenges you have as a gay man after 40?  ……

Ageing is a reality and brings challenges, but it also brings opportunities. I don’t ignore the challenges, but I focus my thinking on the opportunities.

What would you like to say to the Gay Life after 40 tribe? 

Speak out.  Let the world know that the stereotypes of being old and gay are just all wrong.  I met a man once who said, “I’m 82 and this is the best time in my life.”  Make today, this day, the best time in your life.

Where can our readers find you or know more about you ?

You’ll find more than you want to know about me on my website: http://www.lorenaolson.com

I also have some tips on male sexuality: http://www.lorenaolson.com/finally-out-tips/

Or check out my blog:  http://www.lorenaolson.com/ask-the-doc/

How can they purchase your book?

My book, Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, is available through any book store, Amazon, or on my website.