Uncertainity/ Variety -(2 of 6 Human Needs)

 I am sure you heard that there is a reason behind everything we do, whether it’s conscious or unconscious. We will be exploring the Six human needs and how it affects our relationships with each other as well as in life.

Everyone has these 6 human needs. How one prioritizes the needs determines how they act. If you’ve ever wondered what drives your daily life or wanted to change your path, I believe that this will be a great series to follow. If you identify with the needs, there will be an opportunity to develop significant change.

 Are you meeting those needs in a way which is empowering or in a way which is destructive?

 For 6 weeks, we will explore the 6 Human Needs. Inspired and created by Tony Robbins. We will put a unique gay spin to them.

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At the same time we want certainty, we also crave uncertainty/variety. Paradoxically, there needs to be enough uncertainty to provide spice and adventure in our lives. While certainty is important, too much is boring. We also want stimulation and novelty to add interest and fun to our lives. This is why people try new things, take risks and gamble, even when they do not need to do so. Uncertainty is a primary need on which we focus most, possibly at the expense of the remaining needs which will lessen the total fulfillment of a person’s  life.

   UNCERTAINTY/VARIETY –The need to feel different, challenged, risk, change, excitement, surprise and entertained in our lives. Variety makes us feel alive and engaged.

    ( A Primal Need)

• The feeling that things are different or changing
• The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the level of uncertainty you can comfortably live with
•  Certainty is knowing you will be ‘okay’ if it ‘all’ goes away
• You can practice building the ‘muscle’ of uncertainty
• When you get comfortable with uncertainty you start building certainty
• You can become comfortable with things feeling out of control which then becomes certain.

The battle between certainty and variety is part of life and we all need to find our own, individual balance point. People will violate their values in order to have their needs met. We have to make sure we fulfill our needs so that we control our behavior rather than allow our needs to control us.

Variety and certainty are very much connected to each other. They sit on either side of a scale that needs to be in constant balance. When we have too much certainty we reach a level where we are running on automatic. We look for a change to break up the monotony and bring some interest.

People are willing to do a lot of things to bring change and interest into their lives. For example, some people will go sky diving because it is risky and brings excitement.  Some changes will be positive, like innovating and creating new things, while others will be destructive, like having an affair. Remember, variety is a basic need.

The problem with uncertainty is we are living in a world that rapidly is changing and we cannot keep up with it. Too much or too often uncertainty in our life brings an overwhelmed state. From technology to world events, it can cause great stress. Every time you turn around, something is changing . When I talk to people about change, I hear their fear about the pace of change. It is true that never in the history of the world has things changed so rapidly.

This even happens to kids when they get a  long summer break. They go to school every day and ache for the summer break so they can have something different to do. After a long summer, they are not sure what will happen tomorrow and they want to go back to the stability of school, where they do not have to think about how to keep themselves entertained. I see this every year, when I ask elementary students the question, are you excited about going back to school? 99.99% say yes. Try it!

Personally, I juggle between my need for variety and my need for certainty. I have a strong need to be creative and I love to learn different subjects. I like to write about various subjects but at times, it can be overwhelming with deadlines. My mind starts blanking out and I want certainty again. I would rather work on just 1 subject than 4.

When it comes to relationships , there is  a  constant balancing act between variety and certainty. Balancing it can be difficult and that is why many relationships breakdown. After a period of excitement (high variety), the partners seek stability. They move in together or get married. At some stage they slide into a very routine life (certainty), which after a time becomes so boring they want to do something exciting to spice up their love life. This is when finding someone new, leaving the relationship, having an affair or even open relationships seem very attractive.

It takes many people time to build uncertainty muscles. What do I mean by this?

Some guys are fearful of interacting and introducing themselves to a bunch of guys at a club. Moreover, some guys are fearful of asking out another guy for a date. They are afraid of rejection. Afraid of uncertainty.  It takes practice to build muscles so you are not so fearful and intimidated. When you get comfortable with uncertainty, you gain certainty.

Positive ways to gain Uncertainty:

Read books – Reading books is a great way to immerse yourself in a new world that is constantly changing. You have no control over what the characters do or how the plot will evolve. Reading is a big surprise that every reader enters into and willingly lets go of certainty, Exploring new subjects or topics of interest can meet our need for variety/uncertainty. It gives you variety but you know you have certainty that the book will end.

Learning something new/ Going Back to School are ways  to make life varied and interesting. Introducing your brain to new things can be exciting and stimulating.  People who constantly learn stimulate the brain cells so they keep working. It is a great way to combat memory loss. Regardless of whether you can master a new skill, if we always have a learning goal, we will be able to fulfill our variety need.

Changing Companies-When I was younger, I worked in retail management. I liked retail and wanted to explore how other companies worked. I would, on average , stay with one company for about 4 years and then move on to another. I would never burn a bridge and was always happily employed. I would have a concrete set of retail skills that offered me certainty but I was able to get variety by working with different companies.

Renovating – Apart from the desire to increase the value of the house, renovating is a wonderful way to bring change and excitement. The longer the excitements last, the better the renovation was. We got a new bathroom about 6 months ago, and we still call it the new bathroom today. We use it everyday! :).  Renovating does not need to be expensive. It can be a simple like changing the hardware. I came up with a few simple things to do in the house that fulfills by need for variety. I bought different comforter sets for our bedroom and I change them out every 2-3 months.  Our bedroom  is big and spacious so from time to time I change the position of our bed. It is just enough to give me a feeling of freshness and newness. It costs nothing at all.

Shopping – Shopping is another way to get something new into life. It fulfills the need for variety and generally is enough in and of itself to fulfill this need. Sadly, when the thing you bought is not new anymore, it becomes boring. To find out t if you use shopping well to fulfill your need for variety is to measure how long the new purchase still excites you. If it lasts 2-3 month, this is great. If it lasts 2-3 weeks only, it will get you to a stage where your closets are busting and you may realize you have an opportunity  to refocus your needs .

Drink alcohol at parties, special occasions or to open up – Some people feel very excited when they drink alcohol as a way to celebrate and change their routine. For some, it helps to open up and be more funny and adventurous. (Please note that being addicted to alcohol is not a means to gain variety, but more of a need for certainty).

Take a vacation – Time off is very important and for some people even essential in order to fulfill the need for variety. It is a great and healthy way to break away from the routine and inject some interest and excitement into life. It is similar to charging batteries. It is a good idea to schedule it ahead of time, so that people do not need to search for excitement elsewhere.

Hobbies are great way to make life interesting. If you have a job that you go to every day, hobbies are great to break the routine. Any hobby that makes you happy can be a great addition to your daily routine. It can be sport, art, music, dance or anything that makes you happy. Hobbies can be passive or active. You can watch sport or do sport as a hobby.

Go to the movies – Like reading bookings, watching a movie allows you to experience something without having to physically participate in it. It stimulates the mind with new thoughts and ideas. Going out to the movies adds even more variety than watching at home because you get a change of scenery from home to the big movie screen. If you are coupled, you can make going to the movies a date night.

Taking Small trips-Changing the scenery can help people with the need of variety. I will go with my friend Marcello to Little Mexico in Chicago and spend the entire day there. I love it. I love the music, the shops and the restaurants. The people are vibrant and full of energy. People will speak  in Spanish and English. I feel like I am in a different country and it helps me get the variety I crave without spending hundreds of dollars.

Date nights can be a great way of adding variety to your relationship.

Role playing can also be a fun way to add spice to the relationship.

Food-we talked before that people may derive certainty because they feel food brings certainty. But also food can bring uncertainty because there is so much variety in food choices and tastes.

Negative ways to gain Uncertainty:

Taking drugs – For some people, taking drugs allows them to do and feel things they would not have otherwise experienced. Again, the addiction is for the feeling interest the drugs bring. (Keep in mind that some people take drugs for the opposite reason – to overcome the feeling of being overwhelmed. It gives them a sense of certainty and control. They know exactly how it will make them feel and perhaps helps them ignore other feelings they do not want to deal with.)

One night stands/visiting an “escort”/having an affair – When people find variety in a healthy way, they do not need to look for it in ways that get them into trouble. One night stands or having affairs are quick ways to bring excitement but perhaps troublesome in the long run. When people’s need for variety reaches a critical point, they will do anything to find excitement, even if it overrides their highest values of family, trust and loyalty.

Mobile Apps like  Grindr-many  guys utilize mobile apps like the Grindr because of the need for uncertainty and variety.   What is more thrilling than to meet a total stranger and you are not sure what will happen. Will you have sex or not? Will he kill you or not ? 🙂 You have multiple sexual partners and it fulfills the variety need, It becomes certainty when you utilize apps like Grindr in an addicted manner . They can be a useful tool but can damage a person’s social skills and override stability, and relationships with others .

Gambling – If you ask a gambler why they gamble, they will tell you it is the excitement that is addicting. Gambling is a game that the mind plays with imaginary wealth. The excitement of imagining future riches is so strong and real that it overrides any values of stability, family or trust.

Gossip is away people use to gain some excitement. It can be detrimental at times but works can be effective for some people. In this instance, I would classify gossip as when you talk about someone when they are not present, sometimes in a negative way. It serves some emotional benefits that give the illusion of strength. Sadly, gossip overrides the value of friendship.

Starting a fight – Have you ever seen someone start a fight for no reason and thought, “Don’t you have better things to do?” Well, this is can be the perfect example of being bored and trying to spice things up. Some people are really bored and fighting challenges and stimulates them. This can be a dangerous way to get variety.

Food Addiction-with so many varieties of food, one may bring uncertainty and variety which could lead to an addiction. They will do anything to satisfy those cravings, even if it overrides their normal weight level.

Uncertainty will never provide sustainable happiness and fulfillment!

Uncertainty should not be a driving source of happiness .

It is a primal need and it is a required need but should not be your driver.

However, the quality of your life is how much uncertainty that you can comfortably  live with.

Join me next time when I explain the third human need which is   

The need to feel important, achievement, respect, special, needed, wanted and unique in our lives.

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Did You Know?

We do hold group and private life coaching at GLA40 for a small fee to help you over overcome obstacles that may  interfere with your ability to have a fulfilled  life.

To get serious results, one may need to make an investment in themselves for an  ultimate transformation.

Many of us at our age  are driven by a deep knowing that we were born for a certain reason. Maybe, you feel that your life is not totally fulfilled yet , and you have  decided that you don’t want to waste your time anymore. If not now, when will you actually lead a more fulfilling life or get help with a problem that you may have carried with you for over 20 years? But  your heart and soul must be invested in the process in order to be effective. If you’re not ready to take bold action, please wait until you are before hiring us..

If you’re ready to age forward and begin your own transformation and your heart and soul are saying, “ Lets Do this!” ,  I hope you’ll take the leap with us and contact us at will@gaylifeafter40.com